When disaster comes calling
Just when you thought you were going to be married
This month I have had two calls from distressed and panicked brides who discovered they were unable to have their legal ceremony on the day they had picked. Venue is booked. Registrar is booked, Photographer, catering, bands - everything is booked and people are flying in from different countries to be there to celebrate on a specific date. Then out of the blue, the unexpected happens and suddenly all the carefully thought out plans are in disarray.
While some things might mean that you do have to abandon plans and cope with the costing implications, love can find a way around others. Here are my thoughts on the subject from experience so far!
Stop! Think!
What exactly has gone wrong? Try to take out the rising panic and focus on what you are being told. For most scenarios it will not mean abandoning the actual day, but it will mean reframing how you look at it
Can you keep most things in place?
The last thing you want to do is incur cancellation costs. The main thing is that your Registrar cannot now legally marry you. (you missed the deadline for the intent to marry/your fiance did not get their decree absolute through in time). This does not mean you still cannot celebrate your love and relationship with your family and friends. While not legal, a celebrant led ceremony will give you all the other aspects you are looking for.
Is it absolutely heart breaking not to be legal on the day?
Probably it is, especially when this is what you have been working towards and expecting. It is not, however, the story of YOU. You are still together, you are still committed and all you are doing is shifting the paperwork elsewhere and onto a different day. The signing of the papers is not what defines your relationship; being surrounded by your nearest and dearest who are there to witness your joy is not going to be different because of this.
Make the mental shift
So, you need to make the mental leap from everything happenning on ONE day to dividing it up into TWO days. While important, the ceremony is 30 minutes of your day. Yes it sets the tone; yes it matters; yes it is the reason everybody has gathered, however, with a celebrant, you can still walk down the aisle, you can say your own personalised vows, you can exchange rings and commit to each other, you can sign a certificate, you can have the music and readings you hoped for. In short, you can have everything, and actually more, with a celebrant ceremony and the only thing that cannot happen is that I cannot say the words 'I now pronounce you man and wife' - because as yet, I can't!
Make something of the registry office day when it comes
When it comes to the legal moment, dress up, take some friends, make it another fun day, get engaged with it and have it as a special day in its own right.
In reality
Actually, many people now opt for the fexlibility in a celebrant led ceremony. which gives options on so many things. Most of all, the timing is not pre-determined, you can include religious and spiritual readings or music and you have the possibility of adding in handfasting or unity sand ceremonies ot name just two suggestions. In my very first ceremony, somebody came up to me afterwards and said 'but it's not legal is it?' and I agreed. That says more about their need for regulation than my ceremony by the way, but since then, nobody has wondered about it. I do not actively hide it because it is not covertly trying to be a wedding, much as some of my couples might wish that to be the case! What it is, is a public declaration to bind yourself with another human in love and friendship and to state this to witnesses gathered together and reveal your story and your hopes and dreams for the future.
Making the dream happen
It is my job to manage expectations but help your dream become a reality. Remember the legal bit is literally signatures to an agreed contract. It says nothing about how you feel about each other; it is nothing about the display of that love and cannot change your feelings towards one another. In life, being adaptable is one of the key elements to finding lasting happiness and when you apply it to seemingly dreadful situations, it is amazing what can happen.
The Registrar and their role
Every Registrar will dread these situations because they have the unfortunate task of telling the couple that they cna no longer be legally married on their chosen day. What happens next is as varied as the ocunty of Yorkshire is to Cornwall. Each Registry office will have some protocols around this and many of them will suggest contacting a celebrant like me to do precisely what I have laid out above and then meanwhile will set up a date with you for the legal ceremony at the office. This can be either the bare minimum of signing the register and speaking certain phrases or a short service at the registry office where they often have a designated and attractive room and which manny of you will have attended previously.
As I said above, you can make something of this and the deciding factor is the cost. Do look into options that allow you to budget. A celebrant comes with a fee too, and for writing something within a constrained time scale this will be more than worth it! What oyu may not know is that bringing a registrar out to a venue comes to about the same amount. You should be refunded that cost if that had been your original intention.
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